US Sentator and pro-life campaigner Marco Rubio has today announced that he is firmly opposed to any and all legislation that would seek to outlaw the unregulated sale automatic rifles to mentally ill school children, stating that such measures might be a failure so there’s not much point even trying.
“The fact is that passing laws accomplishes absolutely nothing,” said the man who’s paid $200,000 a year solely to pass laws, “and if we ban the sale of machine guns then mentally ill teenagers will simply start buying their machine guns from other places, like the various black market mob connections that I’m pretty sure every suburban teenager in America has.”
“Instead of focusing on trying to create useless laws trying to prevent children from being murdered by guns, we should be creating laws trying to prevent children from being murdered in more abstract ways, like through abortions, or by socialized medical-care induced death panels,” said Rubio to a packed auditorium of mourning paid actors this afternoon.
“The fact is abortion has killed many more children in the last ten years than all the school shootings have in the last two weeks!” said an emotional Rubio. “These statistics simply cannot be ignored!”
Mr Rubio also stood strong against calls from students to increase sex education in schools as an alternative way to lower the need for abortions before they happen. “I will never, ever waver from my belief that abortion is a mortal sin that needs to be outlawed in all circumstances,” said Rubio firmly, “unless you’re all willing to form some kind of an association that will pay me $50,000 a year to block abortion laws. Hell, for half that amount I’d happily drown a baby myself, or overlook whatever the hell Roy Moore was doing to it.”
Rubio was later rushed out of the auditorium by secret service members, after it was reported that a crazed student had been spotted in the crowd, openly carrying birth control.