Malcolm Turnbull has today been blindsided by reports that charging consumers and supplying them no service was wrong, stating, “Oh God! But It’s what I do everyday!?”
“I wasn’t aware that the taxpayers actually expect us to do things with their money, instead of pissing it away on worthless NBN infrastructure and plebiscites on very well known questions!”
Turnbull also expressed his disbelief that his job as Prime Minister actually required him to demonstrate leadership. “As the Prime Minister of Australia, I would feel ashamed in myself if actually provided any sort of management, knowledge, or even general backbone, for the eye-watering wage that the Australian people pay me each year. In fact the idea that I would be in this job for anyone but myself goes completely against the job description when I signed up.”
Mr Turnbull has also expressed his regrets at learning that his former colleagues in the banking industry had been found to be charging some customers for services for up to 10 years after they had died, exclaiming “Damn these charlatans, why did I not think of that!”
Turnbull has said he’s learned a valuable lesson from what he’s heard at the banking royal commission, pledging that the government would be introducing tough new tax laws as a result. “From now on our government will be doing everything in our power to chase down the biggest group of tax dodgers in this country, the deceased! They think they can get away with blatant tax avoidance, ha, over my undead body.”
Some reporters however have had questioned if Turnbull, a former merchant banker himself, was really in a position to comment on the fraudulent practices of an industry he had made millions of dollars out of, with one reporter at this afternoons press conference asking if Turnbull’s position isn’t “a bit rich”. However, Mr Turnbull hit back at any such allegations, retorting “No its pronounced WEALTHY, I’m a bit WEALTHY”, as he smiled condescendingly.
The press conference ended soon after, as Turnbull declared the royal commission an “Unprecedented success for the Liberal Party”. Turnbull then excused himself, explaining he had to phone some friends, before being overheard loudly whispering into his phone “Please, this isn’t our fault Gerald, it was all Labor’s idea!”
The Chaser Quarterly