Australians nationwide have sighed a breath of relief today, after the Delta strain of the coronavirus was successfully slowed in its tacks after coming into contact with the NBN.

“It’s a miracle,” said a woman locked down at home, “finally an actual use for the NBN! I’ve never been so reli… hello? Sorry I think you dr… no you go. H… hello? Sorry as I was sa…”

However, not everyone is happy with the virus slowdown, with Sky News slamming the Labor party for another failed government rollout. “Typical Labor, promising us 300 cases a day by July then failing to deliver,” raged Peta Credlin. “If it weren’t for Dan Andrews and his tyrannical lockdowns we’re all be enjoying Scott Morrison’s quality fibre-to-the-node Covid right now. It’s a good thing these vaccines are giving us all free 5G.”

An attempt was made to contact Covid for this piece, but no response was received by the time of publication, due to its internet being down following a light breeze