Hollywood actor Kevin Bacon has today been forcefully placed into isolation as a precaution against the spread of Coronavirus on the United State’s West Coast. Authorities say that Bacon has been scientifically proven to be the vector for almost all disease between Los Angeles’ rich and famous, with the actor being described as connected to almost every famous celebrity by a factor of just six degrees.
This is not the first time the actor has had to be placed into precautionary isolation, with Bacon also having been considered at high risk of catching Swine Flu.
Seen with frazzled hair standing in front of a wall covered in red string, scientists investigating the risk of contagion say they are yet to find a single actor who has not recently come into contact with Kevin Bacon. “He’s like some kind of bizarre omnipresence,” explained the scientist. “Literally ask anyone on the street and they’ll say they know a guy, who knows a guy, who knows a guy, who knows a guy, who knows a guy who shook hands with Kevin Bacon. If we don’t get this under control soon the whole of Hollywood may be wiped out, leaving only the East Coast to produce their terrible media, like those godawful Riverdale adaptations by the CW.”
“Frankly if that’s the future we’re looking forward to, then sign me up to the virus.”
UPDATE: Actor Sean Bean has also been placed into isolation for his own safety, despite not having contracted the virus.
The Chaser Quarterly