General News
Trump honors election pledge to randomly shoot person on street

Representatives from within the White House have today re-affirmed President Donald Trump’s pre-election pledge to walk out onto the street and shoot a random passer by, as the most terrifying signal yet that the President seriously intends to honor every single half-baked idea that popped into his head over the course of his run for President.

Journalists at the press briefing today stated that although they were not expecting this news, especially given it was conveyed via a photo of a tweet attached to the days rundown of executive orders, they were not in the least bit surprised by the announcement at this point, and that given his track record, it most likely wouldn’t even be the most unhinged thing the President had done by the end of the day.

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“At this point we’re just holding off on reporting most of the loopy stuff Trump is making law,” said one reporter from the New York Times, “otherwise people are just going to get sick of it. Like, just in the last fifteen minutes I’ve got press briefings in my inbox stating that all solar power was now banned, another denying the “fake news” that solar power was being banned, and then one more stating that solar power is actually banned but it won’t apply to three companies that just happen to have Trump on their boards of directors.”

Sources close to Mr Trump say that despite media allegations, the President has never wavered from his strongly held opinion on randomly shooting people on the street, and it was simply biased reporting by the mainstream media that created rumours that his statement about shooting innocent bystanders was some kind of metaphor.

“Since day one this administration has been solely focused on following through with every single election pledge, no matter how insane or dangerous that pledge may be,” said White House spokesman Sean Spicer, while holding a reporter in a headlock and refusing to let go. “Mr Trump has made it clear time and time again that his number one priority upon taking office was to shoot a citizen as promised. Yes, we have heard rumours that some staff within the US government may be trying to prevent this from happening, claiming it is somehow ‘illegal’ but to those people I say if you don’t like it, you’re fired. And sure they may say firing people for their beliefs is also illegal but I’d like to see them argue it in court after we appoint Barron Trump as the new Supreme Court justice.”

While the move has been met with an instant backlash and widespread protests, Trump still has his dedicated supporters who stand by his plan to shoot someone. A spokesperson for the NRA took a press briefing this afternoon to defend President Trump, stating “Yea, no, look we know you all expect us to get up and say the crazy thing and defend him but actually we’re getting pretty worried right now, the guy put a Nazi on the security council for Christ’s sake. Can we all just go back to the days when we were the ones making the crazy unjustifiable claims about guns and immigrants, instead of the freaking President. Man, I miss Obama.”

The Chaser