The Australian public has reacted with outrage and sorrow today, after learning they will be deprived of such pressing news updates as “Has Miley Cirus’s had a secret boob job?” and “Why do old men keep getting jailed for raping young boys?”
“I just don’t know how I will cope,” said Jeff, 25 who has had the first stress free day of his adult life as a result of the ban. “I’ve always relied on the Australian news media for the most critical updates about which dodgy lebanese plumber is ripping off his customers. What if he has a secret the industry doesn’t want us to know!?”
Others have also expressed outrage at the effect the news ban has had on crucial lifeline services, such as the page for Brisbane Health, and the page for Channel 7 news. “Have they ever stopped to think that there might be important updates coming through these sources during a pandemic,” said one outraged Facebook user. “I mean what if Gerry Harvey is having a clearance sale on all vacuum cleaners!? That’s a life or death situation right there.”
However, late breaking updates revealed that the Daily Mail has come to an agreement with Google and Facebook, which will see the platforms provide over $40 million in order to allow the company to continue providing crucial updates about which Bachelor contestant was caught NUDE on a hotel balcony in a steamy photo that REVEALS ALL.