Former religious leader and Catholicism’s version of Michael Jackson, Cardinal George Pell has today sent a letter to the British press in defence of disgraced former politician and budgie smuggler model Tony Abbott. The letter comes after constant criticism from British media as well as female MPs from both sides of the aisle claiming he is ‘just a sexist homophobe who wasn’t even respected in Australia’. An assessment that is unfair to Tony as he is so much more than just that, as it completely ignores his work as a xenophobic idiot.
“Dear British Media and anyone else who is besmirching the great name Tony Abbott. My name is Cardinal George Pell, you may have heard of me over that thing I had dismissed about me due to a technicality. As someone who is still respected amongst my colleagues at the Catholic Church, I write to you asking you to stop trying to assassinate the character of my friend who defended me and still hung out with me during the hardship of my trials.”
“Mr Abbott did many things as Prime Minister and I feel he is being unfairly judged due to the things he constantly said and did that align with his personal beliefs. You see, Mr Abbott’s ‘discrimination’ actually aligns with his core values and convictions as a Christian. When he gave a sleazy wink in refence to sex workers, his constant work to punish and vilify those in need and calling for us all to just ignore the sick and elderly to let them all just die out, he did those because those are all things Jesus famously did. The idea of middle easterners in need, traveling to another land, hiding in some stable or something and giving birth to an anchor baby would have disgusted not only Jesus but also Mary and Joseph, which is a firm belief that aligns Tony with the leaders of Brexit.”
“Also, to say he is sexist is slander. How would a so-called misogynist end up being Minister for Women? A job he was as successful at as he was as Prime-Minister. He is a wise man with respect and honour of the highest regard, knowing the perfect time to fight the good fight or take a step back and console people with the poetic words of ‘Sometimes shit happens’.”
“In closing I think you can trust Tony Abbott to lead Post-Brexit Britain in trade as much as you can trust me to look after your kids. If you want any further statements feel free to ask, I have a reputation of always being more than willing to be in touch with people. Kind Regards George Pell. Amen.”