As the Covid-19 pandemic continues to spread across Australia despite over 7% of the population having been vaccinated, the government is now looking into radical new measures to contain the virus, investigating whether it could somehow be convinced to go away if it’s given a $5 million swimming pool.
“It’s a bit unprecedented, I know,” a senior minister told press today. “Those sorts of goodies are supposed to go to marginal seats around election time, not highly-infectious respiratory diseases. But it’s starting to become clear that the government’s present strategy of blaming state Premiers and watching Origin hasn’t been as effective as first projected, so we’re changing course. Funding expensive sports infrastructure for our mates is all many of our ministers know, it has had great success in saving us from car crash elections in the past, perhaps it’ll save us from this slow-motion train wreck too.”
The proposal has reportedly been heavily criticised by many in Cabinet, the main argument being that they just can’t see a way to profit from it. “What’s the point in rorting something if my buddies and I aren’t making bank?” asked one source, “I didn’t get into public office just to make other people’s lives better you know.”
Sources report that there are also several back-up plans available if Covid-19 refuses the offer of a new pool, including offering the virus an ambassadorial post or a safe Senate seat if it will agree to stay out of marginal electorates.
For The Chaser
If you enjoyed this article, consider becoming a contributor to the Chaser Beer Fund. For just $7 a month you can help us employ 20 more interns.