Government successfully slow down Covid by giving it a job at AusPost

The Australian government has today launched its most ambitious plan to stop the spread of Covid yet, with the government offering the virus a job as an AusPost delivery driver in order to slow down its spread.

The move has instantly seen infection rates drop, with a backlog of thousands of prospective infections now finding their delivery pushed back weeks, with many recipients cancelling their Covid delivery entirely out of frustration.

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“You’ve got to be joking,” said one exacerbated man after finding Covid had left a yellow card on the driveway saying it had been there earlier. “It didn’t even come up to my door! I’ve been stuck at home all day so it’s not like I could have missed the doorbell.”

“It says if I want Covid now I’m going to have to go all the way to the post office!” he continued reading. “Forget that, they close at 5. How am I supposed to do that during work hours? I think I’ll just cancel the whole thing, I was never that set on getting Covid anyway.”

The Chaser