Morrison announces JobKeeper will downgrade to 3 hugs a day from September

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today unveiled the latest changes to the JobKeeper programme, announcing that from September the government will no longer be supplying exposure for companies that want to keep millennial interns on their books.

“From the end of September, companies will once again be required to supply 50% of the hugs to their younger employees,” explained Morrison. “What’s more the avocado subsidy will also be cut back, and we will be putting a cap on cappuccinos.”

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However, some millennials have hit back at the changes, pointing out that without these and other shallow substitutes for meaningful pay, like a table-tennis table in the office that nobody dares use, then they are at very real risk of being employed by businesses that are actually required to pay a liveable wage. “What the hell is Morrison thinking?” asked one intern. “Doesn’t he know the entire Australian media industry relies on millennials working for a fraction of what their tenured boomer bosses earn despite not knowing how to operate a printer? Gosh what ever will we do without those valuable free lunch room snacks? Good think the boss had us all apply for JobSeeker otherwise we wouldn’t be able to eat!”

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