After months of resistance to advice from Fire Chiefs and scientists and failing to offer any form of leadership whatsoever, Prime Minister Scott Morrison this afternoon decided to instead draw on his marketing nous by announcing plans to ‘gamify the fires’ in order to ‘raise the spirits’ of people who have lost their homes and everything they’ve ever worked for.
“Regular Aussies, like me, love the cricket. Everyone will be watching this super important test against New Zealand, in a series that’s already a dead rubber, to stay positive after some lightning started some fires or whatever” Morrison opened with.
“I’ve been criticised, you know, really put up on the cross lately. But, hear this, for every six the Aussies knock I will allow a waterbomber to do a run. I mean, how good is that? And how good is cricket?”
Morrison continued as his six-figure Empathy Consultant made faces like the Chrissy Teigen gif in the background.
“We want to fire the guys up, really light something under them, stoke the coals so to say, so not only will be rewarding every big 6 they hit, but for every wicket the Kiwis take, we’ll start another fire somewhere. Now that’s exciting! No pressure, guys! ha ha”
The waterbombers will apparently be fitted with wheel clamps that only unlock once the sensors placed around the fences at SCG register a six has been hit. At that point the pilot will be directed towards a fire-swept location with the highest propensity of LNP or Nationals voters.