Authorities have rushed out a new app to allow members of the public to keep track of whether they’ve come into contact with members of the Federal Cabinet.
Called the CABINETSafe App, the app is designed to allow users to track encounters with alleged rapists, people who support alleged rapists, people who cover-up for alleged rapists, people who don’t read the reports about what alleged rapists have done, people who called rape victims a “lying cow”, and those think that continuing to be in Cabinet with any of these people is in any way acceptable. “As a result, it covers everyone in the Cabinet,” said the designer of the app.
A spokesperson said that it was becoming clear that coming into contact with a member of the cabinet is highly hazardous. “Ideally, we’d put the whole of Cabinet into isolation indefinitely, but for some reason, they think they run the country, even though they don’t seem to take responsibility for anything at all, ever.”
“We don’t quite know how it works, but there appears to be an outbreak of moral turpitude in Federal Cabinet, which has infected every member. Thing is, we don’t know who got it first. It appears that several members have had it for many, many, many years. We’re certainly looking at some sort of super-spreader event.”
Symptoms include a loss of moral compass, blurred vision for what Australia should be like in 2021 and delusions that they can escape the consequences of their actions.
Authorities say that members of the public should take precautions if they do come into contact with a member of the Federal Cabinet. “If you do happen to be in the same room as them, leave immediately and for God’s sake, make sure you sanitise your hands.”
The spokesperson said that ideally we wouldn’t need an app like this “but it appears that nobody in power seems to be doing anything about it. They seem to think that the outbreak will just magically go away without doing anything.”
The app maker says that future updates will include the ability to track contact with corrupt members of Cabinet. “We didn’t put that in the first edition because there’s just too much data to deal with on that.”
The app is based on the same code as the COVIDSafe App, and therefore doesn’t work very well.
For The Chaser
If you enjoyed this article, consider becoming a contributor to the Chaser Beer Fund. For just $7 a month you can help us employ 20 more interns.