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‘The details of my case would make me look bad’ says guy who claims he won a defamation suit



Army called in to shoot the coronavirus in Sydney



PM slams Melbourne for leaving lockdown before Sydney, ‘It’s not a race’



Two-tier lockdown in Sydney to be based on ‘how much you look like you’d own an investment property’



Bolt takes break from defending Prince Andrew and George Pell to call for people to attack Simone Biles



‘Stop judging me by my actions,’ pleads Ben Roberts-Smith



Media demands Victoria get Covid again so they can keep downplaying NSW’s fuck-ups



Melbourne resident suffers another crushing day of freedom under Dictator Dan’s brutal reign of terror



Alan Jones says he hasn’t been this proud of Sydney since Cronulla 2005



Dan Andrews announces plan to build wall around Victoria and make Sydney pay for it



NSW begs other states to send their Pfizer to help vaccinate private schools



Barnaby Joyce launches bid to become High Court Judge after learning they do a lot of banging on desks



Scott Morrison applies for JobSeeker after going months without working



Prince Harry asks public to respect his privacy by not reading his new memoir



Matt Canavan to end subsidies for farmers after learning photosynthesis is renewable



Jeff Bezos declares going to Space the most taxing thing he’s ever done



“We just want closure”: Parents of missing Prime Minister beg witnesses to come forward



Jeff Bezos tragically survives space flight



Government successfully slow down Covid by giving it a job at AusPost



Sky News unveils shock new allegation Dan Andrews was born in Kenya



NSW government spends more energy stopping TikTok comedian than Covid



Following Tokyo’s lead, Parliament to install cardboard desks to discourage MPs from having sex on them



Divided nation pulls together in time of need to tell Katie Hopkins to fuck off



Andrew Bolt rushed to hospital after condemning white supremacy



Government struggling to construct quarantine just wishes it was employing some kind of builder for $350,000 a year



Quarantine workers finally find mask Hopkins will agree to wear



English football fans celebrate after hearing racism is coming home



‘I hate lockdowns’ claims woman who agreed to go on a show which literally locks people down



NSW tightens lockdown – residents limited to 20 Gucci handbags per day



NSW government furious after realising Dan Andrews called them slow last month



Gladys frantically refreshes TikTok for update on state’s numbers



Immigrant Katie Hopkins steals job from Australian racist



Nation puts out the Egg Boy signal after Seven books another nazi on their shows



‘Athletes shouldn’t be having sex in their beds, that’s what the prayer room is for’ says PM



Govt successfully slows down Delta outbreak by signing it up to the NBN



VIC defeats NSW in State of Lockdown, 5-3



Melbourne rebrands to ‘Harvey Norman’ in hopes of getting some government assistance



Govt suffers new vaccine setback after accidentally towing shipment to Nauru



Fixated persons unit arrest Scott Morrison after realising his vaccine plan is a joke



Morrison clarifies that Sydney’s Covid relief will only go to marginal electorates



Morrison explains Sydney needed JobKeeper more than Melbourne because Melbourne doesn’t vote for him



Turnbull decides to sort out vaccines by just buying the whole Pfizer company



“If Rudd was really doing my job, he’d be in Hawaii by now” says PM



Petition to get Scott Morrison to actually do his fucking job



Credlin rips off Gladys’ mask to reveal it was Dan Andrews all along



Rudd continues to throw shade at ScoMo with incident-free purchase of Big Mac Value Meal



Abbott fires off a telegram to request more vaccines from Pfizer



Gladys stresses NSW has entered a ‘critical phase’ of dodging responsibility



Liberal Party scrap Pfizer deal after learning it was Rudd



Scott Morrison seen playing handball with kids in latest photo op



Sky News slams Kevin Rudd for not securing vaccines earlier



“Stay home & get vaxed” says government failing to provide jobkeeper or vaccines



New ad campaign hopes to scare citizens into securing country’s vaccine supply



Govt admits 163 Joeys boys were accidentally given commuter car parks



Nation shocked as govt that faked budget surplus fakes vaccine surplus



Govt puts army in charge of vaccine rollout to ensure civilians get shot



Government investigating whether Covid-19 can be bought off with $5 million swimming pool



Dictator Dan strikes again as Sydney lockdown is extended by another week



Brad Hazzard announces plan for Colosseum in which under 25s will fight for Pfizer



“Lockdown over the top” says Sydney man as Indonesian hospitals run out of oxygen