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The Chaser Report – Episode 1 – The Corona Free Podcast

Welcome to The Chaser Report – a brand new podcast that makes it even harder to find reliable and up-to-date information that you know you can trust. Make sure you subscribe on your app of choice. Listen to episode one now – where Charles, Dom & Andrew avoid talking about COVID-19 at ALL costs.

In the very first edition of The Chaser Report, Charles, Dom & Andrew vow to make the podcast totally free of corona virus talk. Sadly, the gang immediately launch into chat about corona virus and the phenomenon of panic buying that has led to shortages in everything from toilet paper to white bread. Andrew takes a look at the different ways that celebrities are reaching out to their fans from isolation, while Dom examines some of the unique ways different countries are handling the crisis.

Stream above, visit it at Nova, and subscribe to it wherever you get your podcasts.


TRANSCRIPT

Charles Firth:
Hello and welcome to the first ever episode of The Chaser Report, the only podcast about current affairs that you know you can’t trust. I’m Charles Firth and joining me today are Andrew Hansen and Dom Knight. We’ve got a huge first episode today, and it’s actually a bit of a treat for anyone who’s sick about hearing about the coronavirus. Andrew, are you sick of hearing about the coronavirus?

Andrew Hansen:
Oh hell yes, especially on podcasts I find, like they’re always rabbiting on about the corona, these endless coronavirus podcasts. I’m switching them off.

Charles Firth:
Yes, and Dom, are you sick of it?

Dom Knight:
I’m sick of it, and I’m sick of being asked whether I’m sick of it. This has been the conversation of the past week, everyone I see. Frankly, I’m considering contracting COVID just to get into an isolated room so I don’t have people asking me if they’re sick of hearing about it.

Charles Firth:
Well you’re in for a treat today because we’ve decided to have a completely corona-free show for you today. We’re not going to talk about the coronavirus at all, and it’s a bit of a break from the relentlessness of it all. I even actually made up a little sting for us. This show is a corona-free zone. Yeah. So anyway, let’s have a look at what’s coming up on the show today. Andrew is talking about coronavirus videos made by celebrities, but after that, I’m sure it’ll be 100% corona-free. Oh, except for Dom, who will be looking at all the worst approaches to the virus that governments have had around the world. That sounds like a barrel of laughs, Dom.

Dom Knight:
But there will be some pauses in which we don’t discuss coronavirus.

Charles Firth:
Yeah. Yeah, there’ll be lots of pauses. It’ll be 100% corona-free, I promise. But first, let’s check in with Rebecca De Unamuno for the latest Chaser news headlines.

Rebecca De Unamuno:
The ABC has come under fire for reporting the fact that Cardinal George Pell had been convicted of molesting children, admitting they should have been more like the church and just covered it all up. The ABC said it will punish the reporters involved by moving them to another parish. Bad news for New Zealand today after it was revealed that its prime minister Jacinda Ardern is now so successful that she’s legally an Australian. Scott Morrison apologized to all new Zealanders for the inconvenience, but pointed out that when a new Zealander reaches a certain level of success, they automatically become Australian, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. To sport, the NRL has admitted that its timeline for resuming play in late May was too optimistic. Peter V’landys said it will now only come back for the most important date in the NRL calendar, Mad Monday. Pubs and clubs and cocaine dealers have all welcomed the news. That’s The Chaser Report headlines, news you can’t trust.

Charles Firth:
Oh, thanks Beck. Now. Hey Becca, how are you coping with the lockdown?

Rebecca De Unamuno:
Well, I’ve always drunk too much and just stayed at home, so I haven’t noticed any difference.

Charles Firth:
Fair enough. Now this is still a corona-free episode, but guys, it is great to see the toilet paper back on the shelves again.

Andrew Hansen:
Well, I mean, this is the thing Charles. Have you got some in your house?

Charles Firth:
Well actually, we’re looking a bit. There was a few weeks there where I seriously just considered giving all the kids white bread only for morning, noon, and night just to sort of block them up so that we didn’t go through the toilet papers so fast because I was seriously worried that we’re going to run out.

Dom Knight:
Haven’t you got lots of copies of The Chaser Quarterly there that they could use?

Andrew Hansen:
The problem with the white bread approach of course is that there’s also no white bread either. So look, I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve been stocking up on just things that appeal to me. I’m not a buyer of toilet paper or white bread or the things that you see that are gone on the shelves. I became addicted to Dijon mustard earlier, like last year, and I have to slather it onto bloody everything. So the thing that I’ve been panic buying is a large number of jars of Dijon because I have a bit of an addiction, and I’m a bit worried there might be a shortage. So, I thought, “What if the supply lines dry up?” It can’t only be me though. I just wondered if there’s something that you really like that you’ve been wise… I won’t say panic buying because you’ll get arrested, but wisely stocking up on. Dommy?

Dom Knight:
Oh, toilet paper. I mean, I really, now that I got that who gives a crap stuff, the day before they finished producing it, I put it in the order for the 48 double-length rolls. So I have enough toilet paper for months and months and months. No food, but a lot of toilet paper. So in that sense, we aren’t pooing it all because we’re starving and on the verge of death, but they can wrap us in the toilet paper in the coffin perhaps.

Charles Firth:
It’s interesting you stocked up on Dijon Mustard. Out of interest, Andrew, have you now found yourself in a position where you are now in a shortage of Dijon mustard? Have you stocked up enough?

Andrew Hansen:
Oh yeah. No, absolutely. Look, I’m going to get arrested. If a gendarme comes over to my place and sees the number of jars of Dijon that I got, I’m in real trouble.

Charles Firth:
Have you thought about making a bit of a quid out of it? Like selling a few on Gumtree or something?

Andrew Hansen:
Oh, hell yes. Yeah. Well, exactly because I’m sure you haven’t found any Dijon at your supermarket because I bought it. That’s why it’s not there. So yes, I found that I can sell it for as much as 10 or 15 cents more than the original jar of Dijon mustard actually costs.

Charles Firth:
I’ve got some of that dumb Aldi Dijon mustard. That’s almost as good. A lot cheaper. I’ll tell you what, I was very lucky getting these. I actually got the last two jars. This is absolutely true, in the Coles, of Peck’s Paste. I got one bottle, one jar of salmon and lobster, and there was only one jar left of Anchovette. You know things are desperate when the Anchovette Peck’s Paste is running low.

Andrew Hansen:
Charles, that was not running low. That’s because the supermarket only keeps one jar, normally.

Dom Knight:
I’d never heard of that.

Charles Firth:
I’m going to say it was amazing because in the middle of this pandemic where everything was in shortage, there were only two jars, but they were still 50% off. It was two for the price of one.

Dom Knight:
Of course they were. It’s revolting.

Speaker 1:
The Chaser Report, news you can’t trust.

Andrew Hansen:
Okay, well of course as we’re all in lockdown, the people that we turn to more than any others are of course not the doctors, no, not the frontline health workers, but the famous people. They’re the ones who I think are going to see us through this situation. So I put together a little game, Dom and Charles. It’s a game about celebrity isolation videos. You know those sort of inspiring videos that celebrities post to make us feel better? And this game is called-

Speaker 6:
Isolebrity.

Andrew Hansen:
Now the game works like this. I’m going to play you a celebrity isolation video. Your job is to guess which famous person is sharing their advice or calming thoughts or whatever it may be just by listening to the sound of their voice.

Dom Knight:
I am ready to be inspired.

Andrew Hansen:
Now Charles, you can play this one. This is probably a bit of an easy one. This particular famous guy is delivering his video while relaxing in a luxurious spa bath at home and smoking an enormous fat cigar at the same time. Now let’s just have a listen to this one.

Arnold Schwarzenegger:
And I just keep staying at home, away from the crowds and away from outside. The reason why I’m saying that is because I still see photographs and videos of people sitting in outside cafés all over the world and having a good time and hanging out in crowds. That is not wise because that’s how you can get the virus.

Charles Firth:
Yeah. Well that’s pretty… That’s Arnold Schwarzenegger isn’t it?

Andrew Hansen:
Yeah, you’re right. That is Arnold Schwarzenegger. Yes, indeed.

Dom Knight:
Hasn’t he got kind of wild animals in the house roaming around?

Andrew Hansen:
He does have a wild animal in this video. He’s got this adorable little dog who’s snuffling around behind him actually, and I worry about the dog, secondhand smoking from the big fat stogie in Arnie’s mouth. I can’t think it’s very good for the dog. Anyway, that’s his advice. The best way to combat a respiratory virus is to sit in a spa and smoke a big fat cigar from Cuba. All right.

Dom Knight:
Did he have his maid in the spa bath as well?

Andrew Hansen:
I think she might’ve been bubbling away under the water there, Dommy, just beneath the frame of the shot. I don’t know. Now here’s one for you, Dom, and this one’s really a bit more of a challenge. You might have to sort of… Now we’re thinking movies stars here, especially sort of lighthearted, comical movie stars, and I’ll give you a hint. This actress has appeared in a lot of movies with Woody Allen. Anyway, she’s posted this video. She’s wearing a surgical mask in this video, and I’m not entirely sure why, but she’s also accompanied by her dog. Let’s have a listen to this one.

Diane Keaton:
This is me, and this is what we’re going through. Everybody is hunkered in. I don’t have anybody to hunker in with except my 15-year-old dog. This is Emmie. I’m going to give her a kiss because I can because I have this on. See, so I’m safe. Here we go. Emmie, I love you. I love you so much.

Dom Knight:
Well, if she was surrounded by lots of refugee children, I would’ve said Mia Farrow, but because she’s being quirky and adorable, I think it’s Diane Keaton.

Andrew Hansen:
You are right, Dommy. Yes, indeed. Diane Keaton. Beautifully, beautifully guessed. Yes, along with her 15-year-old dog. So if it makes you feel better, you can watch Diane Keaton smooching up to her 15-year old-dog because I don’t think we’ll see her smooching up to Woody Allen in a movie anytime soon.

Charles Firth:
I think Woody Allen wanted to smooch up to the 15-year-old.

Andrew Hansen:
What is it with him wanting to cast 15-year-old dogs in all these movies? What is this obsession?

Charles Firth:
It’s very rude to some. Yeah.

Dom Knight:
Well, it is.

Andrew Hansen:
Yes, they all have to wear surgical masks, of course. All right. Now Charles, I’m going to hit you with this one now. This is actually two people in this video, two famous people.

Charles Firth:
Oh, okay.

Andrew Hansen:
You are free to guess. They’re both pop singers. You can guess either or both of them, and here, I’ll introduce them. They’re trying to sort of wrangle through the terrible, terrible lives that extremely rich, young pop singers have under isolation. Let’s take a listen.

Miley Cyrus:
How are you doing in this time of so much time to go pick ourselves apart? Like last night before I got in the shower, I have this big full-length mirror, and I totally started bullying myself, like too much time to bully me. What do you do in those times?

Bebe Rexha:
I mean, it’s okay. We’re going through such a hard time right now. It’s okay to have a moment and eat like shit as long as you pick yourself back up. Life is about balance.

Charles Firth:
Oh, I don’t know. I have no idea, but they sound awful. They sound like awful, awful people, so I’m going to guess Ellen DeGeneres.

Andrew Hansen:
Hang on, Ellen’s great.

Dom Knight:
To me, they both sound like Justin Bieber.

Andrew Hansen:
Pretty good guess, Dom. Pretty close, Dommy.

Dom Knight:
They both sound like [Nibba 00:11:56].

Charles Firth:
What about Kyle? What’s her name? Kylie Jenner or something. One of the Jenners. No, pop singer.

Andrew Hansen:
Rhyming. It rhymes with that. Look, I’ll give it away. That was Miley Cyrus chatting to Bebe Rexha about all the difficulties you face when you’ve got to be at home, alone in a 40-room mansion with no children to look after. I mean, it must be hard.

Dom Knight:
I think Liam Hemsworth got well out of leaving. [inaudible 00:12:26].

Andrew Hansen:
Yeah, otherwise he would’ve had to be part of the conversation, the poor guy. All right, now let’s do one more here. Dommy?

Dom Knight:
I’m ready.

Andrew Hansen:
Here’s an actress for you. Now, this is an exciting one because this is a bath video, so it’s not just a celebrity isolation video. This actress is telling us how to make the ideal bath if you’re the sort of person who is able to have luxurious baths during the current time. Let’s listen to this one.

January Jones:
I just wanted to do a little video because I’m going to tell you how I take my detox bath. I made a bubble bath, and I’m going to put some thieves oil, some oil you can get. This one’s Young Living. Do a couple of drops of that before all around good wellness, immunity.

Dom Knight:
Yeah. Look, she’s said wellness, immunity, and detox. That’s got to be Gwyneth, surely.

Andrew Hansen:
Yeah, no, that’s a good guess. It’s actually not. It’s not Gwyneth Paltrow, surprisingly.

Dom Knight:
Oh.

Andrew Hansen:
Yeah. Despite the inclusion of thieves oil in the bath, whatever that may be.

Dom Knight:
Yeah.

Andrew Hansen:
Have you ever heard of thieves oil? What is that?

Dom Knight:
Wait, no. Every time I try to go to the shop to buy some, it’s gone because it’s been stolen.

Andrew Hansen:
Bloody god. Yellow card.

Dom Knight:
Who’s a younger Gwyneth? She did sound a bit younger than Gwyneth.

Andrew Hansen:
Well look, I’ll give you a hint. Look, have you seen the show? Just think of the show Mad Men. I’ll give you a hint. It’s an actress from the show Mad Men. Now I’m going to play you a little bit more of the bath video because I don’t think you’ve heard enough ingredients from this particular actress. Let’s continue with the bath. Thanks, Mike.

January Jones:
And then I’m going to pour in a small thing of baking soda. Take it out of your fridge.

Dom Knight:
I know. I know who it is.

Andrew Hansen:
Do you know who it is? Somebody who thinks that baking soda is kept in a fridge.

Dom Knight:
I reckon it’s January Jones.

Andrew Hansen:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. She’s taking a bath in thieves oil, baking soda, and about 40 other ingredients.

Dom Knight:
[inaudible 00:14:25].

Andrew Hansen:
Oh, but then would you take a bath in it? No. No, you wouldn’t. Yeah. No, because doesn’t let it absorb all the sort of smells of the Camembert in your fridge? Or your Dijon mustard in my case.

Dom Knight:
Yeah.

Andrew Hansen:
And then you’d pour that and you’d wreak if you had a bath in fridge baking soda. Oh my goodness. All right. Well look, let’s just take a listen to how long January Jones expects people to stay in this baking soda bath.

January Jones:
And then you just sit in there for a good at least 20 minutes, I guess, as long as you can handle it, as warm as you can handle it. Then you’re going to sweat while you’re in it. Then for another good 20, 30 minutes when you get out, so you can read a book or listen to a podcast or whatever you want to do while you sit there and enjoy.

Dom Knight:
Is she trying to actually bake with all the baking soda in the bath over the 20 minutes?

Andrew Hansen:
Oh, at the end of the video, she looks like a loaf of banana bread. It’s an extraordinary video. So that’s fine, depending, as long as you’ve got 50 minutes to just sweat in some baking soda and thieves oil, presuming you’re not desperately hunting for a job or trying to look after a family or something like that. But look, if you do have time, then my advice is don’t use that time watching celebrity isolation videos.

Charles Firth:
Aren’t we lucky to have celebrities to tell us what to do in our hour of need?

Andrew Hansen:
Well look, not to be dumb, Dommy and Charles, because I’m not going to miss out on this celebrity “look at me” stuff. I want people to be looking at me as well. The Andrew Hanson Facebook page, as far as I’m concerned, this is my chance to get lots and lots of likes, especially because I’ve just created it for this purpose, and I’ve actually made my own celebrity isolation video. So if you enjoy celebrities telling you that everything’s going to be all right, well, I’ve put together a single, little music video that I’ve made at home. It’s a song that I like to call The Pandemic Panic. (singing)

Charles Firth:
Thank you Andrew. I feel so safe.

Speaker 1:
The Chaser Report. Less news, more often.

Charles Firth:
Today’s episode is brought to you by [Harrison’s 00:18:14] Divorce Lawyers. For some reason, Harrison’s business is thriving at the moment. Harrison’s Divorce Lawyers. Dom, you’re married. Have you been considering divorce?

Dom Knight:
Of course.

Charles Firth:
Andrew, how about you?

Andrew Hansen:
Oh, every day, Charles.

Charles Firth:
In a time of personal turmoil, leaving your family is a great way to achieve lasting happiness.

Dom Knight:
Oh, let’s face it. It will be strange not to be considering it at a time like this.

Charles Firth:
Exactly. Harrison’s Divorce Lawyers. Tell them you heard about them on The Chaser Report, and you’ll get 50% off your second divorce.

Speaker 1:
The Chaser Report. News a few days after it happens.

Dom Knight:
Now, not entirely a coronavirus-free segment. I’m terribly sorry Charles, but we all know that in Australia we are trying to beat COVID-19 by staying at home. It’s looking good so far, but what if there was an easier way? So I thought I’d bring to the table some of the other countries who are struggling with COVID. So I want to look at how some other countries are coping with COVID and see if maybe we can learn something from them.

Dom Knight:
Let’s go to Panama first of all, where they’re separating people by gender, so men and women get to leave their homes on alternate days. That system in Panama, which is a dream come true for the gay and lesbian communities, unfortunately for men and women who actually live together, you can still just get it off each other. There’s another rule which is that nobody can go out on Sundays at all. That’s not actually cause of COVID. That’s to keep them safe from Catholic priests, though. What do you think? Would that work here?

Charles Firth:
Well, what’s the logic behind only allowing one gender to roam the streets? What’s the thinking?

Dom Knight:
Particularly because women always go to the bathroom together.

Charles Firth:
Yeah, it doesn’t make any sense to me.

Dom Knight:
While we’re speaking of stupid ideas, let’s go to Sweden. Now what they’ve decided there is that they don’t need any lockdowns. They are leaving everything open, and they’ve just said, “If you’re feeling ill, stay at home.” So it’s basically the IKEA approach. Just do it yourself and make a massive mess of everything. So life in Sweden’s actually continuing as normal. The cafés are open. The restaurants are open. You can go out for sauna. It is Scandinavia, and everything is fine except for the 1,000 people that have died. Other than for them, life is wonderful in Sweden.

Andrew Hansen:
I’m surprised to hear that Sweden’s doing this because the only thing I know about Swedes is what I know about ABBA, and I’m pretty sure that every member of ABBA has been living as a recluse for the last 38 years or something. So I just assumed Swedes would be into that whole thing.

Dom Knight:
Well, unfortunately the aged-care facilities have really been copping it from coronavirus, but before all the grannies die, they can get in a lovely sauna. So that’s one approach. Now over to Malaysia, a bit closer to home, and they’ve got a partial lockdown there. The women’s ministry helpfully posted a cartoon telling wives to dress up, wear makeup, and avoid nagging their husbands during the lockdown, and it worked really well. All the women in Malaysia stopped getting cross with their husbands and got furious with the women’s ministry instead.

Charles Firth:
I like this approach. This is the first sensible approach that I think… and I think this is the sort of approach that Scott Morrison would actually get on board with.

Andrew Hansen:
It’s a sort of families first type of thing, isn’t it? Or at least, husband’s first I guess. Is this the first time that you’re not allowed to nag in Malaysia? Was nagging fine before this in Malaysia?

Dom Knight:
I suspect it was open season.

Charles Firth:
And how do you enforce that? Can you get the cops to come in and fine your wife $1,000 for nagging you? Is that-

Dom Knight:
If they nag you, they have to go and work at the women’s ministry, I imagine.

Andrew Hansen:
Are you allowed to drive somewhere and then nag?

Dom Knight:
I’m not sure you can.

Andrew Hansen:
I wonder. I’m troubled, but I think you’re onto something there, Charles. How do they police? Maybe there’s an app. Can the husbands get a nagging app that detects nagging and switches on?

Dom Knight:
Just use Zoom like everyone else, I guess.

Andrew Hansen:
Is that what happens?

Charles Firth:
It’s not very equal should it? Shouldn’t there be some sort of reciprocal arrangement for men, don’t you think? If women aren’t allowed to nag, what are men not allowed to do?

Andrew Hansen:
Oh, like leave the seat up or something. There should be an app for that, and you kind of get slapped with a fine.

Charles Firth:
Yeah, $16,000.

Andrew Hansen:
Yeah, I think it’d be worth also every man in Malaysia singing Happy Birthday while they put the toilet seat down, just to make sure that they do it properly.

Dom Knight:
Let’s go to Wuhan in China where of course they’ve achieved a total victory over COVID-19. There are some reports that the real figure there of deaths is not 2,500 but 47,000, but of course that’s just pig-dog Western propaganda, not to be believed at all. That said, the government is still encouraging people to stay at home when their loved ones inevitably die, and what they’ve introduced is the digital funeral. So instead of gathering in person, you have an e-funeral. You perform an electronic bow to your ancestors, offer them a virtual glass of liqueur or light an online cigar with an online lighter. What do you think of that idea?

Charles Firth:
I like these, but I think you’ve got to gamify it a little bit more. I think you want to be able to earn V bucks if you… I don’t know, [crosstalk 00:23:10].

Andrew Hansen:
Funeral points or something.

Charles Firth:
Yeah, gift bucks.

Andrew Hansen:
Coffinolas or something. Credits for your own inevitable funeral.

Charles Firth:
I think it’s a great idea.

Dom Knight:
Yeah, I like it. I mean, to me it’s a great chance to attend a funeral without having to pretend that you knew the dead person or cared about them very much. I think it’s excellent. Now the best response, I think anywhere in the world though, we’ve got to go to Belarus where the president Alexander Lukashenko claims that nobody has died or will die from coronavirus, and he’s actually come up with not one cure but several cures. I want to see what you think of these. You can cure COVID-19, he says, by drinking vodka, which we’re all trying anyway, I think.

Charles Firth:
That’s a very good idea. I endorse that. I medically endorse that.

Dom Knight:
What about this one? Driving a tractor. I think it’s just standard in Belarus.

Charles Firth:
That’s Belarus. They’re always pushing the tractor. That’s hilarious because I know all governments are trying to prop up all their industries, and the Belarus government… Everything will be shut down except for essential tractors.

Dom Knight:
And saunas. He said you can cure it if you go to a sauna, which is definitely the sexiest way to get COVID-19, I’m thinking.

Andrew Hansen:
Well you haven’t seen who goes to saunas, Dommy.

Charles Firth:
Especially in Belarus.

Andrew Hansen:
Yeah. Yeah, exactly. They’re all full of pastry, dumplings, and things. These are not good looking sauna people, and they drive their tractor in-

Dom Knight:
[crosstalk 00:24:29] the sauna.

Andrew Hansen:
… to the sauna as well. You got to fit the tractor in there. It’s an awful situation.

Dom Knight:
And his final suggestion is, and I’m not making this up, playing with baby goats. I’m not clear on what version of playing with baby goats he means, but-

Andrew Hansen:
It sounds like that’s just his personal peccadillo to me. That just sounds like he’s got a little kinky thing for baby goats and he doesn’t want that to be illegal.

Charles Firth:
No, no, but I think that is true because it’s working in New Zealand. New Zealand have hardly any cases, and they’ve got a huge amount of sheep.

Andrew Hansen:
That’s not the same as a goat, Charles. You’ve conflated a sheep with a goat to make a New Zealand reference there. It’s very unfair.

Charles Firth:
What? You’re saying they’re different?

Dom Knight:
I wonder if you can combine them all, if you can drink vodka while driving a tractor to a sauna to play with a baby goat. You’d definitely be safe there.

Speaker 1:
The Chaser Report. More news, less often.

Charles Firth:
Okay guys, we’re almost at the end of the show, and we hardly mentioned coronavirus once, which was great. But now it’s time for-

Speaker 6:
International global news world roundup.

Dom Knight:
Yes. Time to catch up with the latest important news from around the world in a village called Kepuh in Indonesia. They’d come up with a great way to get people to stay indoors during the COVID-19 crisis. People are paid by the police to dress up as ghosts in white bedsheets. They’ve been patrolling the streets to scare people and, I quote, “promote social distancing.” Apparently people actually believe in these ghosts across Indonesia, and they’re called pocong in Bahasa. So would a pocong in the street work on you? Would you want to stay inside, do you think?

Charles Firth:
Well, yeah, I think that would work on me. I mean, I’m not actually scared of ghosts, but I’m terrified of sheets. So that would be my worst nightmare, that.

Andrew Hansen:
I can’t see this being hugely effective, Dommy. I mean, I’m thinking it’s hard to get a cultural perspective on this because I’m trying to think of, you’re scared of sheets, Charles. I mean, I’m scared of spiders, but I reckon if I saw a police officer dressed in a spider outfit, I don’t think I’d buy it. I mean, I can imagine these people looking at the thing and saying, “Oh well that doesn’t look like a real pocong. It just looks like a dude in a bed sheet.”

Dom Knight:
So what would be more scary? I mean, Andrew, would you be terrified if I dressed up outside your window as a giant sultana, for instance?

Andrew Hansen:
Well I don’t like sultanas, and I wouldn’t like… I mean, the other thing that these police are risking is everyone mistaking them for members of the Ku Klux Klan, and they’re going to get imprisoned themselves.

Charles Firth:
I reckon the way to do it is just everyone should dress up as George Pell, then everyone would just stay indoors.

Andrew Hansen:
Terrifying costume.

Dom Knight:
Now, unfortunately the plan backfired at first because everyone went outside. They wanted to see everyone in ghost costumes. Is there any better way of just keeping people in?

Andrew Hansen:
What? Hang on. Say that again. So, you’re telling us, Dommy, that this plan to scare people actually resulted in people flocking out to see the ghosts that they were meant to be scared of?

Dom Knight:
Yes. People came out en masse, breaking social distancing to see all the people dressed up as ghosts.

Andrew Hansen:
Are you sure Scott Morrison didn’t have a hand in coming up with this idea?

Dom Knight:
He may well have. “I’ll bring the army in, and we’ll all dress up as ghosts.”

Andrew Hansen:
Well, actually I’ve got a good idea. What they should do is they should just tell them that you’re doing an outdoor live solo show, then everyone will just stay indoors.

Dom Knight:
Yeah, that probably would work. Now as happens with every momentous world event, a lot of new babies have been named after the terrifying pandemic. In India, twins have been named to Covid and Corona, and some other Indian parents called their child Lockdown to commemorate what’s going on. Do you think those are good names for here and now in the maternity ward, and can you think of any more coronavirus names? Let’s just do the first one first. Are these good names to choose at this time?

Charles Firth:
Well yes, I think this is a great idea. I can’t see any problems with this whatsoever.

Dom Knight:
Unless they thought Corona was a beer.

Andrew Hansen:
It’s a genius idea, Dommy, and I think more tragic events, people should be naming their babies after, like if you’ve just lost somebody to being run over, you call your baby Runover. I mean, I think this is great.

Dom Knight:
You’re not lying in thinking that Andrew, because a woman in the Philippines called Nina Cayosa managed to combine two topical tragedies. She called her newborn son Covid Bryant.

Andrew Hansen:
Oh my goodness. What’s his middle name? Pell?

Charles Firth:
But don’t you remember? There was that period in the late 1990s when when people were doing this, because you remember that royal tragedy in Paris. Then people started calling their kids Diana Seatbelt.

Dom Knight:
And Paparazzi.

Charles Firth:
Yeah, then in the early 1990s when everyone was calling their kids Kurt Brainsplatter.

Dom Knight:
Oh that’s right. There were a lot of little… A whole generation of Kurt Brainsplatters.

Charles Firth:
And John Too Much Nose Candy. Remember that?

Dom Knight:
Yeah, it was a very popular name. Yeah. If I have another child, I’m going to call it Last Season of Game of Thrones.

Charles Firth:
Too tragic, Dommy, and too soon, too soon. Very offensive. Actually guys, I’ve got a little bit of announcement. My wife and I are having a third child, and I am proud to announce on the way is Bat Soup Firth.

Andrew Hansen:
Adorable.

Dom Knight:
That is a tragedy for that poor child. So finally, heading over to the UK, and this is a happier note to end on, I think. Even with COVID-19, love is still possible. A British woman fell in love with a chandelier and plans to marry it. Her name is Amanda Liberty. She’s 33 years old, and she saw a 90-year-old German chandelier on eBay and was just besotted despite the age difference. Before you ask, as she told one newspaper website, “Yes, the relationship is physical.”

Amanda Liberty:
Jewel accompanies me in bed most nights, and I’ve always got a chandelier here in bed with me.

Dom Knight:
So the chandelier always goes to bed with her.

Andrew Hansen:
Ouch. Is it not a bit sharp? I mean, they’re very pointy, those chandeliers. If one of those globes shatters. I’m a little bit worried about the electrocution risk. I think this is a risky relationship.

Charles Firth:
No. No, I actually understand because you know chandeliers are very easy to turn on. You literally just flick a switch.

Andrew Hansen:
Oh, yellow card. Oh. Bad.

Charles Firth:
And anyway, I like intelligent partners, and chandeliers tend to be very bright.

Andrew Hansen:
Ah, no Charles, give me the coronavirus now so that I can not have to hear anymore.

Dom Knight:
People have made fun of her. Right. There’s been a lot of judging going on.

Andrew Hansen:
Oh, good. Oh, good.

Dom Knight:
But despite her unusual romantic life, she feels she shouldn’t be judged as any different from a normal person.

Amanda Liberty:
There is such a thing is love at first sight, and for me that works with chandeliers, but I’m still a very valued member of society.

Charles Firth:
Very valuable. [crosstalk 00:31:41].

Andrew Hansen:
No, it’s unwise. I don’t think you should go for the first chandelier you lay eyes on. I think she should have at least gone on some dates, maybe moved in with the chandelier first just to try out co-habiting. I think she’s rushed into this.

Dom Knight:
Yeah. Look, it hasn’t all been plain sailing, actually. She’d tried to sue The Sun newspaper for sexual discrimination after a columnist made fun of her sexual preference, but the court threw it out because sex discrimination apparently doesn’t cover inanimate objects such as chandeliers. Good decision. Do you think that the courts got that one right?

Charles Firth:
Well, this is a terrible decision. I mean, in my experience, every partner I’ve ever had has had way more fun with an inanimate object than with me. So I would of course it should cover inanimate objects.

Speaker 1:
The Chaser Report. News a few days after it happens.

Dom Knight:
That’s all we’ve got time for on the first-ever edition of The Chaser Report. Don’t forget to review us and to subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, and of course you can check out the latest news at chaser.com.au.

Charles Firth:
Actually, we’ve just got a late-breaking headline.

Rebecca De Unamuno:
Yes, guys at news just in, a man in Melbourne’s West has just declared he’s so bored, he’s actually considering watching free-to-air TV. Police say they’re looking into the matter, and anyone who feels that desperate should call Lifeline and ask them for their password to Netflix. The Chaser Report. Now with extra whispers.

Speaker 13:
I saw him coming at me, and I thought, “That’s the guy. That’s the guy that just my husband.”

Speaker 6:
At last, a true crime podcast with a difference.

Speaker 14:
I have never in my 80 years on the police force, witnessed a crime like this.

Speaker 6:
A true crime podcast.

Speaker 14:
From the very outset, we knew who did it. We knew why they did it. They even recorded themselves doing it.

Speaker 6:
Without any suspense whatsoever.

Speaker 13:
The guy said to me, “I’m making a true crime podcast, but suspense makes me really anxious. I can’t stand not knowing who did it, so I’m just going to murder your husband myself to remove all doubt.”

Speaker 6:
No loose ends. A true crime podcast where we commit the crimes and then solve them so that you know exactly who did it, how they did it, and why they did it, right from the outset. No loose ends. The only true crime podcast that’s truly a crime. (silence)



WRITTEN BY

The Chaser Quarterly
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