Reports are flowing in today that a man who posted ‘All Lives Matter’ on Twitter has never once given a shit about another human being. Asked to clarify his initial comment, Brooklyn resident Kayden McGonagle had to admit that, to him, most lives don’t actually matter at all unless they are specifically benefiting him in some way.
McGonagle, who made the post in response to one using the #blacklivesmatter hashtag, says that on reflection he actually doesn’t care about either hashtag. “I would like to retract my statement that all lives matter.” he explained. “It doesn’t represent who I am as a person. We all post things on social media in the heat of the moment that we later regret, and this is one of those times.”
“My position is that some lives, in fact, don’t matter very much. I’m not a big fan of people from other countries, for example. Or people I’ve never met. I mean, I’ve never met them so why would I give a shit?”
“Also people who don’t use their indicators, people who block footpaths while having a conversation, and anyone who has ever minorly inconvenienced me in any way can all rot in hell.”
The admission is expected to spark a number of similar mea culpas from the type of people who post ‘All Lives Matter’ as a pathetic kneejerk response. For his part, McGonagle has vowed to better represent the person he is on social media for the two hours before he gets permanently banned.