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Dear western capitalist scum,

Greeting, it is me beloved President and 15 time winner of Russia’s sexiest man, Vladimir Putin, and I have chosen to write to you through the Chaser’s newsletter today, as it is the only news outlet in the world that can match the seriousness and respect that Russia commands these days.

A quick ad

Recently, you may have seen CIA propaganda which is claiming that our glorious Russian army is not doing so well, and I am writing to address those spurious lies.

The fact is, it is simply not true that Russian soldiers are all running away from the front line right now, screaming like little girls. If anything they are screaming like little boys, as that’s our largest conscription pool these days.

And yes, my remaining generals may have “lost” a few “vitally important strategic regions”, but have you ever considered that maybe it was always my plan to lose those cities? The fact is the only reason I ever invaded Ukraine was so that I could leave, to show just how much I don’t want to be there. Checkmate world.

And for those asking “Vlad, what about all those vehicles and weapons your army left behind?” the truth is I never wanted all those tanks and anyway. Green was never my colour.

As for the defamatory suggestion that there are currently ‘widespread protests’ across Russia and that I am ‘completely delusional’, that is all a lie too. The truth is those people on the street crying were simply weeping tears of joy about how much we are winning. They were so overjoyed that we had to pile them all into party buses to help them keep celebrating all night long down at the local police station.

And look sure, I’ll admit, a small number of my closest allies have started saying things like “Russia is now a laughing stock” and “Putin is a violent dictator”, but sadly they have all died in a mass falling-out-of-window accident. So clearly, there is nothing to be worried about.

I hope this has helped put things in perspective for you all, and you will continue cowering in fear at the mighty Russian army and our glorious 3 remaining tanks.

Vladimir Putin
President of Russia (for now)

The Chaser