As the Covid-19 pandemic continues, more and more world leaders are referring to themselves as ‘wartime’ leaders. However, none are taking this war as serious as former business man and self-proclaimed sarcastic genius President Donald Trump, who today announced plans to step up US war efforts and invade an oil-rich country.
Historically speaking, invading unrelated oil-rich countries is a crucial strategy for the US in most of their wars. Traditionally America’s leaders claim that it allows for the tactical advantage of being certain that something or someone who was not believed to be there, actually isn’t there and that the oil is just an unrelated coincidence. However, Donald Trump is not like most presidents as he is not smart enough to keep the actual reason a secret. He spoke to the press earlier today at one of his daily White House press conferences/amateur improv shows.
“It’s time to get serious everyone,” he explained, “this virus is a warzone, and as far as I know America always completely wins every war ever. As a very smart man once said, it was me, I am the smartest man, Donald J. Trump knows business. And oil is good business. Have you seen the oil prices lately? It’s doing about as well as most of my businesses. So as the greatest wartime president ever, I realised I haven’t invaded anyone yet and invading unrelated oil-rich countries is the most important step to winning any war. I didn’t get to invade anyone in Vietnam because of my bad foot, which ever foot that is, but this time I won’t need to do it myself so I am all in. The military guys already have a country in mind, they told me they always have one ready in case of emergencies.”
However, Trump then immediately called off the war effort and went back to watching TV, citing bone spurs.
If you enjoyed this article, consider becoming a contributor to the Chaser Beer Fund. For just $7 a month you can help us employ 20 more interns.