Former Cabinet Minister Christian Porter has today announced his resignation from cabinet, stating that he understands that taking million in anonymous donations has made his position untenable. Prime Minister Scott Morrison has backed the move, stating that Porter will be dealt the harshest punishment for his actions, and that he will immediately be demoting Porter to Deputy PM.
“Sexual assault allegations are one thing, but blind trusts are where I draw the line,” explained the Prime Minister at a press conference today. “And as we’ve already demonstrated with Barnaby Joyce, we don’t treat such claims with kid gloves in the LNP. Any whiff of sexual impropriety and you’ll be sent straight to the big house. By which I mean a larger office.”
The announcement of Porter’s punishment came as a shock to the rest of the Federal Cabinet who are reportedly concerned about the precedent that has been set regarding dodgy financial dealings. “Why is Porter getting the demotion when I’ve been working my butt off for that Deputy gig?” asked Angus Taylor. “All these years of questionable tenders and all I have to show for it is a few million dollars in an off-shore bank account.”
Speaking to the press, Porter said that he regrets not following proper parliamentary procedure, and given his time again he’d be sure to follow the standard method of simply pocketing perfectly legal donations from tax dodging coal companies.