Finance minister Josh Frydenberg has hit back at the backlash he has faced after cancelling the Covid Disaster Relief Payment which he claims is a waste of money. Frydenberg told reporters that the money needs to somewhere it ‘will actually get used’, like the $9m dollar COVIDSafe app that tracked zero close contacts this year.

“We can’t just throw money away,” said Frydenberg, “we need to make sure we are keeping track of our money. Not putting it in programs that don’t track well, and as soon as the COVIDSafe App tracks someone you will see it is worth the money.”

“There are people who are needlessly cashing in on this payment just because they need the money, we must put an end to it. There are battlers who actually put the money to good use. People like Gina, Gerry, Rupert and Twiggy. Not some loser in inner-city Sydney who can’t go into work because of Covid, this is helicopter generation behaviour. Leave the nest.”

“The money we save here will be put to great use buying land near airports, carparks, sports equipment and submarines! Also we have submarine debt with France we need money for, shit. Does anyone know if we still do unemployment payments? Can we get rid of that too please?”