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The Chaser Report – Episode 11 – Melbourne: ‘We had the second wave first’

As Melbourne goes back into lockdown, Dom and Charles attempt to avoid interacting with Andrew, who lives in Melbourne. Plus, we take a trip to Serbia, where Novak Djokovic’s attempt to organise the first post-Covid tennis tournament experienced a slight logistical problem what with Covid still existing, we explore more fabulously nauseating celebrity isolation videos, and discover the most craptastic Bluetooth device yet. All that plus the latest Chaser headlines you can’t trust from Rebecca De Unamuno.





 


Transcript

Announcer: In times like these, it’s important to know who you can trust. At last, a new source that’s reliably reliable, informatively informational, and never wrong. Unfortunately, you’re not listening to it. Instead, you’re listening to The Chaser Report.

Charles Firth: Hello and welcome to the show. I’m Charles Firth and with me is Dom Knight, and I’m afraid to say we also have Andrew Hansen here…

Dom Knight: Oh, dear.

Charles Firth: Down the line from Melbourne.

Andrew Hansen: Yes, which is where I live.

Charles Firth: Andrew, shut up. Shut up. We don’t want to interact with you.

Dom Knight: You’ll give us COVID-19, Hansen.

Andrew Hansen: What do you mean?

Charles Firth: Didn’t you see the news on Wednesday night?

NSW Premier: The new South Wales state government is warning against travel to Melbourne, and says organizations in the state should not interact with Melbourne citizens.

NSW Premier: Do not go down there, and certainly, I think it’s the prerogative of every business, every organization, not to accept anybody from those hotspots at this time, that is basic pandemic management.

Charles Firth: Basic pandemic management. Don’t interact with Melbourne citizens. I think that’s just a good philosophy for life really, isn’t it?

Dom Knight: I mean, at last. Although that said, in one of our wonderful mini episodes, Andrew actually outlined Vladimir Putin’s house. He has a tunnel of disinfectant that everyone has to travel through if they want to chat to him. Maybe if Andrew can go and have a bit of a bath in one of those.

Andrew Hansen: We have had for many years a tunnel of disinfectant in Melbourne. It’s called the Yarra.

Charles Firth: I think there’s a tunnel of infected, Andrew. Anyway, we’re not supposed to be interacting with you. I can’t believe, I feel dirty already just…

Andrew Hansen: You’ve broken the rules.

Charles Firth: Yeah. What are we going to do? How are we going to do this show with bloody Andrew Hanson down the line? Even all the listeners.

Dom Knight: Put on a N95 mask, Hansen, wrap yourself in plastic bags and paper bags on and take a bath in the Yarra, and then come and talk to us.

Andrew Hansen: Okay. I’ve got my gear on. It’s safe to talk now, I’ve got my gear.

Charles Firth: This is going to be a great show. Coming up we’ve got Novak Djokovic’s whole tennis tournament. We’ve got celebrity isolation videos, and we’re talking tech gadgets. But first of all, let’s go to The Chaser newsroom with Rebecca De Unamuno.

Rebecca De Unamuno: The federal government has announced it is setting up a Royal commission into everyone who John Howard has ever called a good bloke. It comes after Mr. Howard reaffirmed his support for former high court justice Dyson Heydon, and wrote a character reference for Cardinal George Pell. The commission will begin immediately starting with a full investigation into Donald Bradman. Donald Trump has announced a ban on testing in schools, in a bid to wipe out illiteracy. The plan comes after Trump ordered the testing of Coronavirus to be scaled back, to stop the spread of the deadly virus. But the teacher’s union has hit back at the plan calling it, “The stupidest thing they’ve heard since the last thing Trump said.” Teachers say, testing is an essential part of their process, as it gives them the ability to complain about all the marking they need to do.

Rebecca De Unamuno: A man who thinks getting offended by lolly names is ridiculous, has said he’s offended by Nestle’s changes to lolly names. Nestle announced it was renaming its Red Skin and Chico lollies. The man said he was outraged that people were so easily outraged about things nowadays. That’s the latest Chaser news. Check out chaser.com.au for the latest updates.

Charles Firth: Thanks Beck. Hey, Beck, were you affected by the cyber attack this week?

Rebecca De Unamuno: No. No, I wasn’t. I’m not really connected to the internet that much anymore.

Charles Firth: Are you trying to have a break from social media, are you?

Rebecca De Unamuno: No, no. I’ve got the NBN. It hardly ever works.

Charles Firth: Oh, right. Well, of course.

Announcer: The Chaser Report. News a few days after it happens.

Charles Firth: This episode is brought to you by Tourism Victoria. Travel to Melbourne, and stay there, because you won’t be able to go home.

Dom Knight: Charles and Andrew, as you know, it’s a time when sport is only just starting to return very, very slowly and carefully. They’ve got strict infection control protocols, and there are no crowds anywhere. That’s the way sport is now, except in tennis, where the men’s number one, Novak Djokovic, just organized a charity tournament called The Adria tour in his home country of Serbia. Now it was unsanctioned, the tennis authorities thought it was a bad idea, but it still attracted some of the world’s top players and thousands of fans. Unfortunately, the wash-up from this wonderful initiative has been slightly controversial. Here’s how CNN reported it.

Speaker 7:

When you’re the world tennis champion, you don’t want to be in the news for…

Dom Knight: What do you think Novak Djokovic has done that’s gotten him in the news?

Charles Firth: Did he lose in the first round of his own championship or something?

Dom Knight: He definitely lost something. You’re on the right track.

Andrew Hansen: When you’re the world tennis champion, you don’t want to be in the news for… Oh, I hate to think whenever someone’s in the news, it’s not black face again, is it?

Charles Firth: It’ll be bubbling. It’ll be bubbling.

Dom Knight: Oh, bubbling. Todd Carney’s…

Andrew Hansen: Oh, bubbling. That could well be it, or something to do with a dog. I dread to think what he’s in the news for.

Dom Knight: It’s pretty bad, but no animals were hurt during the course. This is what he’s done.

Speaker 7:

In the news for limbo dancing in a crowded nightclub during a pandemic.

Andrew Hansen: Oh, no.

Dom Knight: That’s what he did. Novak had his shirt off, as you do on a very sweaty dance floor with lots of tennis stars around him.

Andrew Hansen: How did he do? Did he get underneath the bar? Or were those huge Djokovic pecks too large to fit under there?

Dom Knight: Oh, he’s very flexible, because here’s the thing. If you find yourself in a sweaty nightclub in the middle of a pandemic, this might happen.

Speaker 7:

But that’s where Novak Djokovic finds himself today. Testing positive for Coronavirus after organizing a tournament that was meant to…

Dom Knight: Yes. Shockingly, Novak has COVID-19. What do you think his tournament was meant to do?

Charles Firth: It’ll be deeply ironic, won’t it? To raise awareness about Coronavirus.

Andrew Hansen: Yeah, Or actually a tournament that was going to cure Coronavirus permanently.

Charles Firth: Is that what it was?

Dom Knight: Not quite. Here’s what he was hoping to do.

Speaker 7:

That was meant to ease tennis out of lockdown.

Dom Knight: Yeah, it was meant to help tennis get back to normal.

Andrew Hansen: Oh, but if you don’t limbo in a nightclub, then it might have a chance. I mean, if you just stuck to the tennis, maybe.

Dom Knight: He decided it was time to come back. He organized this tournament and got a lot of his mates to come out, and the crowds came. And what happened was, that Novak, Novak’s wife and three other players contracted COVID-19. In fact, there are photos of Novak arm-in-arm cuddling with the other three, who also got it, the three players. And it was such a terrible idea to do this tournament that even Nick Kyrgios thought it was stupid. He tweeted, “Don’t @ me for anything I’ve done that’s been irresponsible or classified as stupidity. This takes the cake.”

Andrew Hansen: Oh, look, if you’ve got Nick Kyrgios being more clever than you, you’ve got a few issues, don’t you?

Charles Firth: Nick Kyrgios, voice of reason. [inaudible 00:07:05] responsible one.

Dom Knight: It’s a new role.

Andrew Hansen: He should be in charge of our Coronavirus response, I reckon. Let’s put Kyrgios in the top job.

Charles Firth: Yes! Chief medical officer.

Dom Knight: Well, look, he’s very good at throwing in the towel, and that’s what’s required for months at a time. But look, Djokovich of course is very sorry for his role in spreading Coronavirus to several top tennis players, and he concedes that this may have been poorly judged. This is what he released after this came out.

Speaker 7:

He said, “I can’t express enough how sorry I am for this, and every case of infection. Everything that the organizers and I did in the past month, we did with…”

Charles Firth: With what?

Andrew Hansen: With a huge belly full of vodka.

Charles Firth: It sounds like everything they did was with Coronavirus coming out of every pore in their body.

Dom Knight: Absolutely right. Here’s what he said.

Speaker 7:

… “We did with a pure heart, and sincere intentions.”

Andrew Hansen: Oh, that excuses everything, doesn’t it? He’s off the hook.

Charles Firth: Isn’t that Dyson Heyden’s defense at the moment? Good intention.

Dom Knight: Pure intentions. So was this an isolated moment of extreme dumbness from Novak Djokovich?

Andrew Hansen: Yes. I suppose it was probably.

Dom Knight: No, it wasn’t. Here’s what CNN said about that.

Speaker 7:

This isn’t the first time tennis’s men’s number one has faced criticism for his views on the virus.

Dom Knight: It certainly isn’t, along with, it’s a really good idea to hold a tennis tournament now. What other wacky beliefs has Novak, do you think, expressed on COVID-19?

Charles Firth: It’ll be that Swiss vitamins work. Something incredibly controversial. It’ll be that Pete Evans machine works, the glowing machine that was $15,000.

Dom Knight: The bio charger.

Charles Firth: Yeah. The bio charger, yes. Is he in on that?

Dom Knight: He’s actually got a lot in common with Pete Evans as we’ll go on to discover, but this is… No, it’s a separate piece of dumbness that Pete Evans also shares. Have a listen to Novak’s views on COVID-19.

Speaker 7:

In April, he said he was against the idea of being made to take a vaccine for COVID-19 in order to travel and compete in the future.

Dom Knight: He’s an anti-vaxxer, and full credit to Novak, he’s found a way of avoiding ever getting that vaccine.

Charles Firth: Yeah, true.

Dom Knight: But look, of course, Novak didn’t intend this, but the problem is he’s just not very good at making health decisions. Although, to his credit, there is one thing he said that I can entirely get behind.

Speaker 7:

He said in a statement, “I am no expert.”

Dom Knight: That’s absolutely true.

Dom Knight: And the other thing Novak believes, he thinks that his body can heal itself. So he actually put off surgery on his elbow for several years while he’s waiting for it to heal itself, and his former coach, Andre Agassi actually just severed their relationship, because he saw the MRI’s of Novak’s arm and thought, “No. This is just ridiculous.” Charles, you actually also smashed up your elbow recently coming off a bike. Did you let it heal itself for several years?

Charles Firth: Oh, absolutely. That’s why I can’t even lift a cup of tea anymore.

Andrew Hansen: Well, neither can Djokovich, but that’s because he’s got COVID.

Charles Firth: That’s true.

Dom Knight: But look, he eventually after two years, he gave in and had the surgery after many other people had won Grand Slams without him there. But I think one of my favorite beliefs of Novak’s, is that at Wimbledon, he always eats the grass. It’s played on grass, and he eats the grass. He says it tastes like sweat.

Andrew Hansen: What is he? A man or a horse? Extraordinary thing to do.

Charles Firth: And if it tasted like sweat, why would you eat it, more importantly?

Dom Knight: Well, as he says.

Speaker 7:

“I am no expert.”

Announcer: The Chaser Report. News you can’t trust.

Andrew Hansen: All right, Domi and Charles. I think it’s time for us now to look at the wonderful wisdom of celebrities in the delicious segment known as, Isolebrity! Isn’t this wonderful? Australia is doing quite well really with the… A lot of us going back to work and restaurants or whatever. The good thing about it is the celebrity video world is, of course… Other countries, they’re still locked down.

Charles Firth: Thank goodness. Thank goodness they’re still locked down.

Andrew Hansen: Well, I know, because otherwise they’d be making movies and disappointing things like releasing new albums or whatever they normally do.

Charles Firth: High quality productions. I mean, it would just be awful.

Andrew Hansen: Yeah, it would be terrible.

Charles Firth: That aren’t cringe worthy, because they’ve actually been through a team of writers. Because this is the whole thing with celebrities, why do they do it when they’ve made their whole career on saying other people’s words?

Charles Firth: And then they think that they should come up with their own words. They’re morons.

Andrew Hansen: Well, I have a treat for you, Charles Firth. Let’s start with this veteran British actor who does normally act with the words of others, and quite often the words of Shakespeare. Although he’s a writer himself, actually as well.

Charles Firth: Better than Shakespeare, or?

Andrew Hansen: Look, you can be the judge. You can be the judge. He’s wonderful, actually. I actually think he’s quite terrific, but interesting, when he’s not got a script this guy, his videos become quite interesting. Now he’s famous, especially famous in the UK for, well, I’ll give you a hint. He’s famous for Zed cars, ever heard of it? “I, Claudius.”

Charles Firth: I’m assuming this is one of the Doctor Who’s if you’re such a fan of him.

Andrew Hansen: Well, you’ll have to decide. The Henry the fifth movie, a small role in “Blackadder” and “Peppa Pig”, no less. It’s quite an interesting CV.

Dom Knight: Peppa Pig? We’re in the presence of royalty.

Andrew Hansen: Yeah, we are. We are, Domi, and especially famous for his very loud voice. Now see if you can guess the actor, and more importantly, can you follow what in shit’s name he’s trying to tell us in this video.

Brian Blessed:

I’m in my lovely log cabin, I’m writing my next two books, or some of my short stories. My favorite stories, and some of my great adventures that I’ve not really written about. It’s amazing, that how much has been explored in this world, but there’s so much unknown. I mean, thousands and thousands of animals in South America, plants, animals that are unknown. And so 23rd of May, [inaudible 00:13:17] this lockdown here at home. I’ve got my dogs here, [inaudible 00:13:19]. Have you got the camera? Can you move with me? There we go. Look at this here, come here. Look at this.

Andrew Hansen: Charles, who is the actor and what’s he on about?

Charles Firth: It sounds like Ian McKellen. Is it Ian McKellen?

Andrew Hansen: You are incorrect. You’re incorrect. No. And I think also Ian McKellen can follow a single train of thought.

Dom Knight: That was my guess, too. I presume they went to the same school, where you learn to talk like that from age five or it’s just kind of like, “Excuse me, can I have some money for the canteen please?”

Andrew Hansen: There’s a British actor school, Domi. It’s cool.

Charles Firth: I think he was talking in iambic pentameter , Andrew. I think you’re just missing the brilliance of it. It made as much sense to me as most Shakespeare plays.

Andrew Hansen: Well, perhaps that’s the diagnosis from the doctor. “I’m afraid you have a bad case of iambic pentameter.” Well, look, you haven’t guessed correctly yet. It’s a nice video. It’s a nice video, I should say, in the midst of all this awfulness and the pandemic, terrible stuff. He has this wonderful message of hope for us, delivered as you would imagine, Charles, in a way that is just as accessible as you’d expect from a Shakespearian actor who normally talks in iambic pentameter , let’s have a listen.

Brian Blessed:

We have hope, ladies and gentlemen, as Pandora released that little casket, and out flew [inaudible 00:14:44] all those [inaudible 00:14:44], and then she’s realized what she’d done. Pandora just tried to close the lid, and a voice said, “Let me out, let me out.” And out flew with iridescent blue wings, hope. Said, “I am hope. We have hope.” Very, very powerful.

Dom Knight: I mean, is this a portrait of a man falling to pieces, Andrew? It sounds so beautiful, and in tone, I wonder if that’s just how he speaks around the house. But when you say “I, Claudius”, the only person that comes to mind is Derek Jacobi, but he’s not around anymore, is he?

Andrew Hansen: Yeah. I think he’s around, but he’s not around in this particular video I’m afraid.

Dom Knight: Oh, okay.

Andrew Hansen: Incorrect.

Charles Firth: Is this the British version of “Play School” or something like that? Was that actually directed at three to four year olds?

Andrew Hansen: Yeah, in the UK that’s the references they’re brought up on. “You need to know about Pandora’s box next, children.”

Charles Firth: Is it John Hurt?

Andrew Hansen: Not a bad guess, but no. And John Hurt no longer with us.

Charles Firth: Oh.

Andrew Hansen: No, it’s not John Hurt, but it’s definitely… You’re all in the right territory I think, you’re very much in this, the people who went to that school.

Dom Knight: I don’t think we have your level of knowledge of BBC drama professionally.

Andrew Hansen: Probably not. In fact, well, let’s see. At the risk of totally giving it away, I’ll give you a big clue. This actor has a famous quote from his appearance in the movie Flash Gordon.

Charles Firth: Oh.

Andrew Hansen: Well, before we guess, Charles, let’s just listen to a bit more of his message of hope. And I think what you’ll really enjoy here, is how seamlessly he slips in his famous catchphrase, “Gordon’s alive.”

Brian Blessed:

The sun is shining again, we got to lovely spring. I kick the pandemic, the virus into the middle of next bloody week. Bullocks, bugger off, Gordon’s alive.

Charles Firth: Very seamless.

Dom Knight: It was nicely worked in, wasn’t it?

Charles Firth: That’s Patrick Stewart, isn’t it? At the pub.

Andrew Hansen: No, it’s not Patrick Stewart, though. But this is one of those challenges you have to remember.

Charles Firth: It’s not Patrick Stewart? He talks the same way.

Andrew Hansen: He does talk the same way.

Charles Firth: They all talk the same way. It’s the RST. Who the hell is it?

Andrew Hansen: I’m going to give it away. It’s Brian Blessed. It’s Brian Blessed.

Charles Firth: I knew it was someone you cared more about than I did. But when was Brian Blessed on Peppa Pig?

Andrew Hansen: Well, a lot. He’s the voice of Peppa Pig, can’t you tell?

Charles Firth: Dear listener, if you’re not familiar with Andrew Hansen, this is his world. He hasn’t heard of most celebrities, but Andrew had a picture of Brian Blessed in his bedroom above his bed to stare at all night long, and just, “One day I could be Brian Blessed.”

Andrew Hansen: That’s true. Well, let’s look at, I forget which character he plays in Peppa Pig. I should look it up and say, can anyone find it on the internet?

Charles Firth: Yeah, I’m just looking up now.

Andrew Hansen: Just says he is Peppa. He’s also been in the Phantom Menace, too. So he’s had some rough breaks as well in his career.

Dom Knight: Yeah.

Andrew Hansen: There you go. Yeah, that was Brian Blessed. Fantastic video, actually. It’s actually really uplifting, even though it’s very, very hard to follow.

Charles Firth: Brian Blessed plays Grampy Rabbit in five episodes.

Andrew Hansen: Oh, that unforgettable character.

Charles Firth: Yeah, it’s Grampy Rabbit.

Andrew Hansen: Now, an actor with an equally distinctive voice, guys. Now, I’ve just had to bleep out some moments in this clip where he gives away who he is. But here he is, he’s an American actor, acknowledging America’s National Doctor’s Day in the solemn and respectful style that you would wish.

Elmo:

Oh, hello everybody! Today is a very special day. It’s National Doctor’s Day! Yay!

Andrew Hansen: Domi, who is the actor and, or the character he’s playing?

Dom Knight: Well, to me that sounds like Elmo.

Andrew Hansen: You are correct. Domi Knight. That’s the character, anyway. Yes, yes. That’s probably a bit unfair to expect you to know.

Dom Knight: As played by Brian Blessed.

Andrew Hansen: By Brian Blessed and Patrick Stewart in earlier seasons. No, I think it’s James Earl Jones, isn’t it? It’s clearly his voice.

Dom Knight: Possibly sped up quite a lot.

Andrew Hansen: Yeah. Uncanny similarity, isn’t it? Or is it Russell Crowe? You’re right, it’s Elmo. It’s Elmo. I think we can probably just skip the next clip, Mike, because they’ve done so well in guessing it.

Dom Knight: I feel so ashamed that I missed Brian Blessed, but got Elmo. That doesn’t speak well of me at all.

Andrew Hansen: Well, let’s listen to Elmo reveal himself.

Elmo:

Elmo’s mommy told Elmo that today is a very special day.

Andrew Hansen: Meaning National Doctor’s Day, and he’s played by Ryan Dillon. That’s the actor’s name by the way.

Dom Knight: Is that Kevin Dillon’s obscure younger brother?

Andrew Hansen: That’s the one, Domi. That’s the one. I’d recommend, it’s actually really worth checking out all of Elmo’s videos, although, I know we’ve joked about Brian Blessed playing the character. The real mistake, I think he made though, was asking Brian Blessed to write his script.

Elmo:

Hi, it’s Elmo. I’m in my log cabin. It’s a 23rd of May. There are lots of animals in South America. Nobody knows anything about them. Gordon’s alive!

Announcer: The Chaser report. More news, less often.

Charles Firth: In normal times adventure tourism, where you go and visit dangerous places around the world, is an exhilarating way to enjoy your holidays. But Coronavirus means that’s not possible, except for one place. If you like dangerous, highly infected destinations, why not come to Melbourne? That’s all thanks to Tourism Victoria.

Charles Firth: Okay. Now it’s time for…

Announcer: Welcome to the future.

Charles Firth: Yes. This is the segment where I review stupid Bluetooth devices that have been invented mainly by Americans, and guys, I’ve got a very special one for you today. When you’re inventing something, it’s always a good idea to define what the problem is that you’re trying to solve.

Speaker 10:

Grocery lists are such a pain. They’re impossible to maintain, and they lack detail.

Andrew Hansen: Yeah, that’s so true, Charles. I always wish my grocery list had a paragraph of detail about every item on it. This is a bugbear of mine.

Charles Firth: You want a bit of a story behind the shopping list?

Andrew Hansen: Or maybe an essay even, about the rationale, and introduction and conclusion.

Charles Firth: You know, when it just says milk, what does that even mean?

Dom Knight: Well, that’s a good point actually, because there’s milk and there’s almond milk, oat milk, soy milk, [inaudible 00:21:29] milk. What size do you want? I think this woman’s got a very good point. I want longer shopping lists with discursive information.

Charles Firth: Let’s get her to give us a bit of color by adding a relatable anecdote about it.

Speaker 10:

I still remember the time I sent my husband to the store for half and half. He had no idea which one to get.

Charles Firth: Exactly.

Andrew Hansen: She only did it once? She sent her husband once to the store. This marriage has some problems.

Charles Firth: And settle on a style of milk, half and half, that’s ridiculous.

Andrew Hansen: Half and a half. What is that? Americans love half and half. We don’t even need it. It doesn’t even exist in Australia.

Charles Firth: It has peanut butter in it.

Andrew Hansen: Because, there’s no need for it.

Charles Firth: But also, imagine getting the wrong brand of half and half. That’s like getting Dairy Farmers instead of Coles milk.

Andrew Hansen: It tastes totally different.

Charles Firth: The difference would just be completely different.

Andrew Hansen: Different family of cows is producing the milk. You can tell whether it’s Daisy or Buttercup who’s delivered the goods.

Charles Firth: Anyway, luckily there is a solution, Andrew.

Andrew Hansen: I thought there might be, Charles. What’s she offering?

Speaker 10:

This is GeniCan, and it’s going to help you build your shopping lists easily and automatically.

Charles Firth: Okay. So anyone want to guess what it is?

Andrew Hansen: Sorry, it’s called, did she say genie cam?

Charles Firth: GeniCan.

Dom Knight: So, like in “I dream of Jeannie” except limited only to identifying cans.

Charles Firth: Sort of, yeah.

Andrew Hansen: Is it a can you can put in your fridge that has a camera in it or something that takes a photo and lets you know what’s in your fridge?

Charles Firth: Yeah. You’re getting close. Let’s get the woman to explain.

Speaker 10:

GeniCan adds barcode scanning and voice recognition right to your bin.

Charles Firth: To your bin. You attach it to your bin. You literally put this barcode scanner in your bin, and as you’re throwing things away, it scans the barcode of the product and adds it to your shopping list. It’s genius.

Andrew Hansen: Wait a minute. I know from the self scan at the supermarket, that the only way barcodes get scanned properly is if you face the cart in nine different directions before it finally goes beep. So, does that mean everything you put in your recycling, you have to do that?

Charles Firth: Yes. Yes. Isn’t it good? There’s also, as you would know, Andrew, there’s a whole category of food and products that you need to buy that don’t have barcodes.

Dom Knight: Like vegetables.

Andrew Hansen: What about bananas?

Charles Firth: Well, actually, they’ve thought of that.

Speaker 11:

What may I add to your list?

Speaker 10:

Paper towels.

Charles Firth: So you can just tell it, you don’t even have to scan it. You can just actually tell it.

Andrew Hansen: It’s almost easier than writing the bloody name on a list.

Charles Firth: Yes, that is true. But, it’s also integrated with Amazon. So, if you write on a list, Amazon doesn’t just immediately know that you need that thing. Whereas, this can actually use wifi to actually send that thing, and then just Amazon dispatches your paper towels immediately to you, just get them the next day.

Dom Knight: Does that then mean Charles, that whenever you run out of anything, you get a separate Amazon parcel arriving with more of that thing. So you run out of cooked dinner and run out of 10 different things. The next day you get 10 different parcels turning up, with 10 different delivery packages.

Charles Firth: That is absolutely true. That’s in fact their sales pitch, “You can now order direct from your garbage bin.”

Speaker 10:

You’ll be able to reorder items directly from your garbage can or recycle bin. It’s so smart.

Andrew Hansen: It’s just where you want to be. It’s where you want to spend more time, isn’t it? Next to the bin.

Dom Knight: It’s the perfect place for making purchase decisions. But Charles, what happens if, as always been the case in my home, you have a centimeter left of something, you’ve got a tiny little bit of milk left or tomato sauce, or whatever. Can the Genie figure that out?

Charles Firth: Oh, I’d say yes, but you can only put it in the bin. I hadn’t even thought of that.

Andrew Hansen: Yeah. You’ve got to completely run out of something before it goes on the shopping list.

Charles Firth: That’s right. That’d be incredibly inconvenient, wouldn’t it? Maybe you just have to put the milk in the bin half finished. That would be a very American solution, wouldn’t it?

Andrew Hansen: And then take it back out and put it in the fridge to finish the rest, it would be very hygienic. I love the idea that there’s a family who’s cursed with this gadget who has to say, “Oh, we’re running low on soy sauce, but it’s a shame we can’t buy any until we’ve completely run out.”

Charles Firth: It’s the stupidest… We’ve got climate change, we’ve got COVID and they’re solving these problems. Anyway, point is, I want to now move to the reviews of GeniCan, because even though they’re integrated with Amazon, they don’t sell it on Amazon, because on Amazon you get all the customer reviews and they’re all honest, and it would definitely not work with… The Apple store App store has reviews. You can actually find reviews on that of it, because you have to download an app obviously to use the thing. And the reviews are universally one-star. This is a terrible, terrible product that does not work. So most common items, it says it does not recognize. So if you scan the barcode and goes, not recognized. [crosstalk 00:27:15] One reviewer tried 40 items that they had in their house, and it recognized two of them.

Andrew Hansen: Two out of 40. You’d be starving to death if you had this bin. You’d be dying, you’d be saying…

Dom Knight: You know a device can scan a barcode and reorder it from Amazon?

Charles Firth: What?

Dom Knight: The Amazon app on your phone.

Charles Firth: Shut up, Dom, shut up. You can’t attach that to your bin though, Dom.

Charles Firth: No, but there’s a couple of other consistent criticism. One is, it’s as slow as molasses. You scan an item after playing around to get it to read on the barcode, then you wait and wait, and eventually it will add the item to your list, but more often than not it tells you that it doesn’t recognize them. And then you have to verbally tell them what it is, and hope that the speech recorder gets it right.

Dom Knight: You know another device that has a speech recorder?

Charles Firth: What?

Dom Knight: Your phone.

Charles Firth: Shut up, Dom, shut up. You can’t put your phone in the bin. And then the other one is, which is probably actually a feature, is that the magnets are not strong enough to hold it in place, and it keeps sliding down into the trashcan, which sounds like the perfect solution. Anyone want to buy one? They’re only $250 Australian.

Dom Knight: What?

Andrew Hansen: 250 bucks? Look, if ever I’m staying with a really annoying flatmate who I want to starve to death, I’m going to buy one of these.

Announcer: Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence. This is the Chaser Report.

Charles Firth: Tourism Victoria is proud to sponsor this episode of The Chaser Report. Travel to Melbourne today.

Dom Knight: You didn’t interact with them, did you?

Charles Firth: Yeah. We’ve taken their cold hard cash.

Dom Knight: Charles, cash? You’re probably infected.

Charles Firth: Oh my God. I think you’re right. I’m craving a chai latte on an uncomfortable stool in a bitterly cold windswept lane way while wearing a black turtleneck. I’m infected!

Dom Knight: Oh no, it’s happened.

Charles Firth: Okay. Well, that’s just about the end of the show. Oh, wait a minute. We’ve got breaking news from Rebecca De Unamuno in The Chaser newsroom.

Rebecca De Unamuno: Hipsters in Melbourne’s trendy suburb of Fitzroy have panned the second wave of the Coronavirus, saying they much preferred the original version. Although, the second wave may still find its way into Fitzroy. Locals have confirmed it will be mainly for tourists, blowin’s and try hards, and that the second will never be as real as the original.

Charles Firth: Thanks Beck. Well, that’s the end of the show. Thanks to our producer, Mike Liberale. Catch us on chaser.com.au, Facebook, Twitter, you can try to find us on tik tok, but we’ve actually been shadow banned, because we showed a video of Craig taking a golden penis into the Trump tower, and we now are no longer on tik tok. They’ve sort of shadow banned us.

Andrew Hansen: What’s a shadow ban? Is that the same as a ban or different?

Charles Firth: No. It’s just that they don’t ever let you… They let you upload stuff, and then they don’t show it to anyone. So, it’s like the world’s greatest piece of passive aggression that a social media platform can do. It’s fantastic. But we are still on Instagram, so that’s good. But the most important thing is to subscribe to our podcast on Apple or wherever you get your podcasts, and just make sure you leave a review. We’ve had some really lovely reviews this week, haven’t we Dom? People saying that it’s their 68th favorite podcast of all time, which it’s heartwarming stuff.

Dom Knight: I’m so flattered by that. I thought we were going to be 69th or 70th.

Charles Firth: Yeah. Anyway, talking about podcasts, we’ve got a very new podcast from Chaser studios. We noticed in the ratings that the 7:00 AM podcast is doing very well in the ratings. So we’ve decided to one up them.

Charles Firth: You’ve heard of the 7:00 AM podcast that delivers news and current affairs bright and early by 7:00 AM each day. Now, we bring you the 4:00 AM podcast. News and current affairs, even earlier.

Announcer: Welcome to the 4:00 AM podcast. Let’s cross live to our reporter in Melbourne. Hello, Scott. Scott?

Scott:

Sorry, what?

Charles Firth: When you need news earlier than anyone else.

Scott:

Well, the new economic figures here in the middle of the night should show… Oh God, sorry. Wait. Where was I? God, I’m tired.

Charles Firth: All the news as it breaks at 4:00 AM.

Reporter: Robert, you’re at parliament house, any news?

Robert:

The actual politicians have all gone home, but the cleaner is here and I can report that the bathrooms are indeed becoming cleaner as we speak.

Charles Firth: The 4:00 AM podcast, for when the 7:00 AM isn’t early enough.

 






 

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